First & Only IVF?

Four months old

2011-10-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have no idea if anyone is even still checking my blog since I am such a terrible blogger. Even if anyone was checking up on me they would be disappointed to see that I only post every few months! Regardless, I still like to post when I get the chance even if it is just a record for me of these times in my life. Also, I still check in on the women that have posted comments or follow my blog semi-regularly to see how everyone else out there is doing (I try to comment when I can, but I am usually on my iphone).

As the title of this post states, my sweet daughter will be four months old this week!!! I can't believe it. Really - four months???? Four months of pregnancy felt like an eternity, yet four months with my daughter has flown by. Four months also means I am one-third of the way through my year of maternity leave. Heehee - not that I am complaining, since I know from reading other blogs, one year is a real blessing.

Our daughter is doing so well, she is getting tall (long is really more appropriate) and is about 15.5 pounds. She will out-grow me some day, taking after my husband more likely (who is 6'1", I'm 5'2"). She loves to try and stand and sit up, she is so strong. When I feel particularly emotional, I often attribute her strength back to her beginnings as a strong little follicle/sperm, embryo and then fetus. She was our little survivor.

What else can I say about her except that she fills my life with so much joy and is the love of my life. She smiles and laughs now, and when I wake up in the morning I often find her awake in her crib and when she sees me her eyes light up and she smiles at me with her whole face. It is the most incredible feeling.

Better late than never

2011-07-28T18:42:00.001-07:00

I have now been a mom for one month! I still can't believe that I am a mom, yet it is now my biggest and most important role in life, and it is also a role that I love more than I ever would have thought.

My darling daughter was born via a scheduled c-section at the end of June. She was in a breech position and my doctor felt she would move if she wanted to and decided not to try to entice her to turn. As it turns out, the cord was wrapped around her neck, so she was smart enough not to try to turn around inside me.

A scheduled c-section feels somewhat like checking into a hotel. The morning of, hubby and I took the dog for a walk, took some "before" photos, finished packing bags, and called a cab to calmly take us to the hospital.

Knowing I was going to be having major surgery (and be awake through it) AND meeting my daughter in just a few hours was so overwhelming and I tried my best not to let my nerves get the best of me. I'd like to think I handled the whole experience fairly well, even the spinal block which I had been dreading. I managed to convince the anasthesiologist to let my husband be with me while I got the spinal block by telling them I was worried about my anxiety and possibly fainting. All in all, I wasn't the difficult patient I thought I might be - and I am very proud of myself.

My time in the hospital feels like a blur now, and at the time was very surreal - doctors, nurses and administrators coming in and out of my room all day long, new moms and dads wandering the halls like zombies at all hours of the night, and crying babies all around. My memory of those three days is somewhat hazy.

Everyone told me that you lose all modesty at the hospital but I didn't really believe them. I brought my nursing bra, nursing top and nursing cover to the hospital with me thinking I would discretely breastfeed while chatting with visitors. How wrong I was!! By the time I left I was whipping out my boobs in front of anyone and everyone, I didn't care if the man who brought my meals saw my nipples. At one point, my nurse literally milked me like a cow to get less than a teaspoon of colostrum and I just lay back and let her do it. I think my husband thought it was pretty bizarre, and we still laugh about it.

Learning how to breastfeed was quite challenging, but so far has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done and been lucky enough to be able to do. I am still in awe that I am able to do it, especially because for so long my body did not do what I thought it should be doing naturally (getting pregnant) and now it finally is.

My milk came in on my first day home from the hospital and boy was that scary! My breasts were huge, hard, and hot. My daughter would not latch because they were so big and tight. I had not been able to hand express milk since I am a bit squeamish about squeezing my breasts, but my darling husband finally just grabbed them and said "I think this is how the nurses did it" and expressed just enough milk to soften my boobs and make it possible for our daughter to eat. I still can't believe how great my hubby has been - the love I see in his eyes for our daughter makes me love him more than I ever thought possible.

When we were leaving the hospital and had our daughter packed into her car seat, I couldn't stop crying. I was crying with joy and disbelief at how lucky we have been to finally be able to have a child. I was crying because I realized how different my life would be if our IVF had not worked. I was crying because my life is now so different, but exactly what I wanted for years. The nurse that discharged me saw me crying and said "oh, it's just the baby blues". I tried to tell her that they were tears of joy, but it didn't seem like she believed me, probably because postpartum depression is very common. There was no way to convince her that I was not sad or scared and there was no way for her to know what we had been through to bring her into the world or what I was feeling at that moment. This seemed like a fitting "end" to that part of my life, because as anyone going through infertility knows, only those who have also experienced it can understand the emotional roller coaster that it takes you on. I still feel the pain of those those in my real life as well as those from this online world who are still struggling with infertility and wish them all the happiness by whatever means.

My daughter is so beautiful she breaks my heart, and was most certainly worth the wait and pain I experienced over the last few years. That life feels so long ago, almost like a dream.

32 weeks

2011-05-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

I really can't believe I am at 32 weeks now. Almost 2 months have gone by since my last post, and I don't know where the time has gone. Actually, the time has gone quickly because our lives are so crazy now. We recently moved into a new house - we purchased it just days after getting the positive pregnancy test. We were renting a 1-bedroom apartment and we decided that this was the push to buy the house we had been thinking of buying.

The nursery is the only room in ths house we haven't touched yet. Not for lack of wanting to, just because we figured it could wait until we get our immediate living spaces done. We'll have to paint over the next few weeks and we still need to decide on furniture. We're having a difficult time agreeing on a paint colour and a crib/dresser. We don't want to spend too much money on furniture, but we also want something nice - just simple, leaning more on the modern side. We have purchased a beautiful wall decal though - obviously, the least important item. Luckily we have our stroller which also includes a bassinet, so we plan to keep her in that in the early days.

Friends have been donating lots of items to us, which is great. Clothes, toys, cloth diapers, etc. I went to baby Gap for the first time and since I had a 40% off coupon I bought a few cute dresses and onesies for the babe.

As for how I am feeling - it varies day to day. There are some days I can barely keep my eyes open and others when I am feeling motivated. I usually take a nap as soon as I get home, which is heavenly.

The horrible symptom I am having is SWOLLEN FEET & ANKLES. I needed to capitalize that so that you understand just how intense it is. I would post a picture but it would be too gruesome. The girls at work are calling me Fred Flinstone and I have told them I am going to start charging admission to look at the freak show that is my feet. One kindly brought me a size larger flip flops - helpful around the office, but I need something to wear getting to and from work, I am a walker and still walking to work when I can (about 25 min). Even my own flip flops are tight. The hunt for comfortable, expandable shoes begins - if you have any suggestions let me know.

All that being said, I am feeling happy and excited and nervous about the next few months. I have to keep working until June 14th at the very least to qualify for benefits at work, so I am keeping my fingers crossed she stays comfortable and in-place at least until my due date - July 6th.

Let me just say again that none of this feels real. I still am amazed that I am pregnant at all, let alone having come this far. When I feel her move, or see her elbow, bum, etc. sticking out of my stomach I am in awe - and whether its the hormones or not, I still tear up when I think about how lucky we have been.

Week 24 update

2011-03-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

Things are going well with the pregnancy – I know I am lucky in this regard. Lucky that my first IVF worked and lucky that my pregnancy symptoms have been pretty mild. My doctor's appointments have been quick, since there is nothing to discuss. She has assured us that everything is normal, normal, normal.

I still have worries of course, and when the nurse can't find the heartbeat right away, I hold my breath until I hear that sweet sound. Pregnancy is very nerve-wracking. I have been feeling her move around a lot – I don't know if its kicks, jabs or turning, but it is a strange sensation that makes me smile every time, and puts my mind at ease (somewhat).

When it comes to all of the things that come with being pregnant, I had generally considered myself a well-informed person. I have read a lot of books and websites and thought I knew (most) everything that would come my way. Lately a few other "side effects" have surprised me:
- Peeing a little when I sneeze
- Waking up to leaky breasts (stained night shirt and bed sheet)
- GAS, GAS, GAS (and not just burping)
- Cold sores

Doesn't it sound lovely??? I am in no way complaining, since I am realizing these are just par for the course – but I am feeling pretty unattractive these days. My husband is dealing well, considering.

Looking ahead - I am thinking of signing up for a Hypnobirthing course – even if I can't go totally natural, I am hoping this will put my mind at ease about labour. Anyone out there done this? Was it worth it?

It's a girl!

2011-02-11T15:06:00.001-08:00

almost halfway

2011-02-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

I am now 18 weeks 6 days along. We had our second OB appointment last week and got to hear the heartbeat for the second time. It was so reassuring - it had been 4 weeks since our last appointment and my mind constantly races wondering how the little one is doing. I decided not to get a home doppler (actually my husband and Dr. talked me out of it) - that probably would have driven me pretty crazy anyway, especially if I couldn't find the heartbeat. Even the technician last week had trouble finding the heartbeat. She got it right away for a second and then kept losing it - I guess the baby is very active, I am picturing the little one spinning in circles. But of course even that made me nervous - wondering, if that baby is so active how come I can't feel anything yet? I suppose I will always find something to worry about... People online keep talking about feeling their baby move by this point, by I haven't felt anything conclusive, my Dr. said that is it is still early.

Generally, I am feeling pretty good. My belly is getting big - in the morning it is smaller, and by the evening it is huge and hard. My belly button has almost disappeared, it was pretty deep before, and every day I ask my husband to measure it with his finger. I am also starting to get a line from my belly button up to my chest.

Our "big" ultrasound is this Thursday - we find out the gender! People sometimes ask me what I want. I know it sounds cliche, but all I want is a healthy little baby. I have no gut feeling about the sex and neither does my hubby. We both guess boy but it is just for the sake of guessing. My husband had a dream about a baby boy, and that has been the only hint so far. Personally, I think it will be the opposite of whatever I think it is - that's just the way it goes.

My new job is keeping me busy - busier than I actually thought it would keep me. My hours are reasonable, but I am definitely working hard.

update

2010-12-30T08:03:00.000-08:00

I have been quite terrible about keeping up this blog as of late. But I just realized that my most recent post was a bit of a downer, and I wanted to relay my good news, so here goes... We had our NT scan at the hospital last week (12w 1d), and all was looking good with our little one. I had worked myself up into a ball of stress leading up to the scan for fear that there would not be a heartbeat. My worst fear was for the technician to leave the room without saying anything to us and telling us that the doctor needed to speak to us. For some reason, that's just how I envisioned getting bad news.

Anyhow, the technician was quite stoic for the first few minutes and I held my breath waiting to hear her say something - ANYTHING! I knew my husband could see the ultrasound monitor, but I couldn't see him and I was starting to panic. Finally, I just blurted out "is everything OK?", and her response was "the doctor will talk to you, I can't provide any feedback". Needless to say I started to feel faint, and only afterwards did I realize that she thought I was asking about the NT test itself, not just plain old "is there still a baby in there?". After another few minutes she turned the monitor to us and showed us our sweet little baby. He (I just can't help giving the baby a gender for now) was moving around and kicking every time I laughed. We saw the heartbeat, it was somewhere in the 150 range. I could have sat and watched that screen all day, it was so great. I felt a huge wave of relief. I told my husband afterwards that my feelings of happiness are finally starting to tip the scales more than anxiety.

I had the ultrasound and blood taken that day, but I don't see the doctor until next week. Now, once again I find myself worrying about the heartbeat and the NT test results. I know worrying isn't good for me, I'm just having trouble becoming a care-free happy mother-to-be. Is anyone ever that care-free, even those who haven't struggled with infertility or loss?

Sitting in that wing of the hospital, full of huge pregnant ladies (EVERYWHERE!!!), I still have that twinge of feeling like I don't belong, and worried that I won't get to stay in that happy, blissful land of pregnancy. All in all, I am starting to come to terms with this new life, and telling people our news is helping make it feel real.

Happy new year to all - my thoughts are with those of you still trying and I am wishing that 2011 is the year it happens for you.

Loss

2010-11-30T09:58:00.000-08:00

I wish I didn't have to write this post, but I want to put this behind me. We had our second ultrasound today and it showed that the little guy didn't survive. The technician said the sac was quite large which could indicate that it had a genetic abnormality. The good news is that the stronger one is doing great. A heartbeat of 167 which we could see on the screen very clearly, and tiny legs and arms.

I was quite shaken by the bad news but now have to focus on the good news - that we have one healthy little fetus. I had started growing attached to the idea of twins, but at the same time was feeling quite scared about what is technically a high risk pregnancy. The image of my husband holding twins in my mind is what makes me the saddest, but I hope that the little guy inside me right now can thrive and stay in there to term.

All we wanted from the IVF was one healthy little baby, and so far that is the track we are on. I have an NT scan at my new hospital in about 3 weeks, so that seems to be my next big "hurdle".

I left my clinic today for the last time - the nurse today said "congratulations, you've graduated!" - at this stage, there was something comforting about being at the clinic while pregnant and now moving onto an OB is a bit daunting. My doctor gave me a big hug and told us to come back when the baby is 3 months - that seems like a lifetime away right now. I feel like I have been through so much in the last few months, it's hard to imagine my life beyond this stage.

Two is my new lucky number

2010-11-18T12:06:00.000-08:00

The ultrasound technician showed us two little sacs! Twins!!! She said one was “normal” and the other smaller (some of those technicians just have the worst bedside manner). I have already forgotten what else she said to us, it was so surreal.

After talking to the doctor, he said that the smaller one has a slower heart beat, but that in 90% of the cases, it will be fine. The other 10% of the time the other may not survive. So he said we can be 90% happy and 10% worried. My husband responded by saying that it has been the opposite for us over the last few years, so that should be easy.

If something does happen to the smaller guy, it won’t harm the other one, which was my biggest concern. Obviously I want them both to stay strong, but there’s nothing I can do but take care of myself at this point. I go back for a follow-up ultrasound in two weeks to check on them again.

I got a few instructions: no exercise, no intercourse, and stay on progesterone and baby aspirin for the first trimester.

I am so relieved, but still cautious because I want that sweet little one to catch up to the “bigger” sibling. I would still describe myself as cautiously optimistic, but with more optimism at the moment.

On another note – you may remember my long, rambling post a few weeks ago about the contract position I was offered. Well, I accepted it and then turned it down a few days later (once I found out I was pregnant). A few days after that, I received another call with a permanent job!!! I couldn’t say no to that, so I start in 2.5 weeks. It is an easier commute and shorter hours – all in all, I am very excited. Human resources and the original manager (from the contract position) know that I am pregnant and they still wanted me for the job. I have no idea if my new manager knows, but HR said it won’t be a problem. Hopefully I get my 6 month probationary period over with before mat leave.

Thanks for all your notes everyone!!!

So nervous

2010-11-17T16:24:00.001-08:00

It has been awhile since my last post - it's just that I don't know what to say. I feel slightly nervous all the time, mostly that I will lose this great feeling of happiness and relief only to be back where I was a few months ago. Listen to me complain...

I seem to have all the "normal" (I hate that word) symptoms - sore, huge breasts and bloating. Other than that, nothing is too different, except for my superhuman sense of smell. I can smell a bottle of hot sauce in a different room and a glass of white wine from across the living room (mmm - I would love a sip of white wine).

We have an ultrasound at the clinic tomorrow morning, and maybe after that I will feel better.

See you back here soon - hopefully with good news!

Once IF, Always IF?

2010-11-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

Second beta was this past Monday, and even though my numbers were great for my first beta, I was still really nervous. Second beta results - 4103! Great, right? So, why can't I stay happy? Now my next anticipated moment is first ultrasound scheduled for two weeks from now - will I make it until then?

Don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled to be pregnant, it's all I've thought about these past 2.5 years. Now that I am pregnant I feel so nervous - like, why me, how did I get so "lucky", will this bubble burst? I still have trouble saying "I am pregnant", instead I say "I have had a positive pregnancy test". I am doing my best to stay positive, I just find that after so much disappointment it's hard to believe good news. And it is good news of course, its the best news I could have received, I just feel so cautious. Maybe if I hadn't spent so much time reading IF blogs, or in support groups with women who have had IF issues, I wouldn't be as aware or cognisant of all the things that can go wrong during a pregnancy. Ignorance is bliss, as they say - maybe I could use a little ignorance.
I mentioned my feelings of anxiety to a friend, and she pointed out that I really haven't had an easy time compared to many people, so really it's my turn to enjoy an easy pregnancy - see 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility #706 for a good related post: http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/10/705-the-infertility-exemption-pass/#more-1076

My husband is helping me to stay positive, and reading everything he can about early pregnancy symptoms so that he can reassure me that my cramping and acne break-outs are completely normal.

The other day, he said to me "we are no longer a couple struggling with fertility problems". I didn't push the issue because I totally appreciate his ability to be so positive, but I find it hard to agree with that statement. Obviously, IF is often much harder on the women (in my opinion anyways), so it may be easier for him to transition to a place of total comfort with pregnancy. It will hard for me to ever identify with "normal" couples who conceive easily and naturally.

I have been very upfront with people about how we managed to conceive, because there is no reason not to talk about it now and let people know that it has not been an easy road for us. It feels somewhat liberating to share this information, whereas even a few weeks ago I did not want to discuss it at all.

I hope this post doesn't make me seem ungrateful - that is the last thing I want, I just wanted to put this out there to see if other IFs have the same reaction/thoughts/feelings as I do. (I already feel better just having written this post, and shared these thoughts - blogging is great for that).

OMG

2010-10-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

933!!! That's my beta number! I still can't believe it.
I did a home pregnancy test on Wednesday, two actually, both which were positive, but I was not ready to believe it until I did my blood test today.

I am ecstatic, as is my husband, but I would still describe myself as being cautiously optimistic. I want to enjoy this time, but not get ahead of myself. I did already go out and buy "What to Expect When You're Expecting" - funny, when I went off the BCP 2.5 years ago, I bought a similar book because I thought I should educate myself because of course I would be preggo right away. It is now packed away in a box somewhere having only been read up to the 2nd chapter.

I have told more people than I would like about this news - but all of them knew about the IVF, and all are close family and friends and understand that I don't want to broadcast this yet - except here on my blog where I am anonymous.

I am so thrilled to know that I am able to get pregnant - I have never seen that second line before and it really shook me. Thanks for all your kind words and posts, it has made this time very special. I also want to congratulate my "cycle buddies" - Mummy in Waiting and Gurlee as both of them have been fortunate with their IVFs as well.

My husband said something really sweet today - he said that he saw a bunch of little kids in Halloween costumes and thought about how cute they were, and for the first time in a while, he didn't feel jealous or sad. I've had the same reactions to pregnant women and women with strollers over the last couple of days - instead of glaring at them or feeling sad/jealous/angry/depressed, I felt fine.

****************************************************
As an update to my last post - I did accept the job and was really excited, but then started to worry that I was setting myself up for a stressful situation where my job wasn't secure. Now that I have the results of my beta, I have decided to tell them I will not be taking the job after all - the situation would just be too uncertain and it would likely mean being out of a job as I go into maternity leave.

Just to clarify about mat leave here in Canada, it is 12 months, and the government will pay you for 12 months as long as you have worked a certain number of days within the 6 or 12 months leading up to your time off - the amount is based on your salary and tops out at about $1600/month).

Distractions

2010-10-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

So it has been one week since my transfer. I am feeling fine – no symptoms to speak of, except for giant sore breasts but that is probably just the progesterone. I have had a few “down” days – days where I feel hopeless about this cycle working – and other days when I feel like “why not me this time – if it can works for others, why not me?”, thinking this way leads to better days for sure.

I have managed to stay relatively sane this week by keeping busy. I had spent a lot of time talking and thinking about our embryos leading up to the transfer and I think I just feel worn out. I guess the other issue is that I have no control right now – not that I did before either. My sweet husband rubs my stomach and gives it a kiss every night.

Another thing that has been keeping my mind occupied is a job offer! I applied for this job many months ago, took a written test and then an interview, hadn’t heard anything and figured it was a bust. There were several positions open – some contract and some permanent. At my interview, I told them I was only interested in a permanent position (I am currently employed in a permanent job). Yesterday I got a call asking if there was any possibility I would be interested in a 12-month contract – I was the first person they called with the offer (permanent positions went to internal candidates). Now, a lot of people start on contracts in this field, and are then extended or are eligible for internal permanent postings. I asked if I could have some time to consider it – I am totally riding the fence on this one. I have to decide by Monday, so here are my pros and cons:
Pros – better money, benefits, more opportunity to move up, not enjoying my current job
Cons – less stability with a contract, longer commute, having to prove myself at a new job, less responsibility (can be a pro or con I guess)

Here’s the other thing – what if I get a BFP next week? I’d like to think if I do get a BFP, I won’t have another care in the world – but that’s not realistic. It would be hard being pregnant at a new job, and then I’d have to leave part way through my contract and with possibly no job to return to after mat leave. Mat leave is 12 months here – sorry my American friends – so truthfully, all that is a long ways away.
On the other hand – what if I get a BFN? If I don’t take the job, then I will be mad at myself for making the decision based on hopefully getting a BFP.

So now you can see why I have been so distracted – I have a lot to think about this weekend. Even though a BFP is the most important thing to me right now, it is nice to have other things going on in my life. It’s easy to get so bogged down in IF that everything else becomes secondary – I know that is how I have felt for the last year.

Have a great weekend everyone!

The Waiting Game

2010-10-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

Transfer was this morning, all went well in spite of my teeny tiny bladder, and my need to pee every 20 minutes.

They transferred 2 good embryos, but the other 2 had "fizzled" out as our doctor put it. That's fine, and I was pretty proud of myself for focusing on the positive in this situation, which was the fact that we have 2 good embryos! It would have been great to freeze some, but c'est la vie.

It was pretty amazing to watch the ultrasound screen while the doctor put them in place, and then to see them in there after they removed the catheter.

I went to acupuncture before and after, so I feel pretty relaxed - hopefully I can maintain that feeling for a while longer.

2010-10-15T15:45:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is transfer day. Following the retrieval we were told that 5 of the 6 eggs were mature, and 4 of those fertilized. As of yesterday, 3 were doing great (according to the nurse) and 1 was lagging a bit, but potentially catching up (today is Day 4 and they don’t update us today). I feel so relieved and grateful that we have come this far, but it still all feels so surreal.

Our doctor has told me to be off my feet for the three days following transfer – and I am happy to oblige. Lots of movies, tea, and snuggling with my pup.

A lot of people know what we are going through and some close friends know all the details. I got lots of supportive phone calls today, and it feels nice. Originally, I didn’t want to share too much for fear of having to share disappointing news if this IVF isn’t successful. I am trying to stay positive, so I have tired not to think about that too much.

Wish us luck!

Decisions, decisions

2010-10-11T13:23:00.000-07:00

The last several days have been extremely excruciating. We were told by the clinic that we might want to consider switching to an IUI given that we only had 3 follicles. After a lot of agonizing, we decided to go ahead with the IVF anyways. The feeling being that at least we would have some more additional information about my eggs, and that it really might only take 1 to be successful. Also, my husband being the rational person he is finally said – “its just money”, and he’s right. We have coverage for 80% of the drugs, and the rest is out of pocket. We have a little bit of money set aside for this, and it just didn’t feel right to stop the whole process.

Retrieval was today – it came a bit earlier than planned because they didn’t want my big follicles to get too mature. As of Saturday I had 3 mature follicles, with 3 more lagging, but getting close to a minimum size.

I am happy to report they got 6 eggs – and every follicle had an egg, woohoo! Originally, 6 might have sounded low to me, but faced with going through with only 3, 6 is a blessing.

The retrieval was actually not too bad. I was completely anxious about it, and it turned out to not be as bad as expected, or as bad as I had read about on some other blogs. However, I did let the f-bomb drop when he froze the first side of my cervix. It was also very, very fast, maybe 10 minutes altogether. I suppose all the drugs helped.

Not to say I had an easy time of the whole thing. When the nurse gave me my IV in the prep room, I started to feel really queasy and light headed – my vision was blurring, and I was pretty sure I was going to faint. It started getting worse, so finally I whispered to the nurse that I was feeling faint. She gave me a cold cloth for my head, and then another nurse came in with something to “calm me down”. Turns out it was an Ativan, I wonder if I can get some more of those for this week.

All in all, I am really happy that my husband and I made the decision to go forward with the IVF.

Bloated

2010-10-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

A quick update and question for the community out there. I went in for my day 6 blood and ultrasound today. I was feeling hopeful because I am so bloated – which I took to mean I have lots of good sized follicles.

I just picked up my message with my results and I have 3 follicles total that are more than 1 cm – 1.4, 1.6, and 1.6, and the rest are smaller than 1 cm. They never tell me the size of follicles less than 1 cm, but I know that my Day 0 ultrasound showed 15 total small follicles. They didn’t ask me to change my protocol at all, so I have to assume all is on track. Also, my estrogen is at 1772.

My retrieval is tentatively next Wednesday, and now my mind is racing with thoughts of the cycle being cancelled or only having 3 follicles to retrieve. Does anyone have a sense of what size follicles “should” be by Day 6, I’d be interested to hear others experiences?

Thanks!

Tagged!

2010-09-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

I owe Reagan's Mommy some answers, so here goes:

1. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be?
India - my husband and I had a whole two-month trip planned when we finished graduate school. Unfortunately (or fortunately) we both got jobs that we really wanted and decided we should take them. We were also swimming in student debt at the time, so it might have been an irresponsible decision on our part if we hadn’t accepted these jobs. We still hope to go one day.
2. What is your happiest childhood memory?
This is a tough one. I had a pretty good childhood, but nothing is really jumping out at me at the moment. I do remember coming in to school one morning after a parent-teacher night during which parents were asked to leave a note for us kids to read in the morning. Both my mom and dad left me the sweetest note and I still have it until this day.
3. Do you have any nicknames? How did you get them?
No nicknames, just variations on my first and last name.
4. What do you think is the single best decision you've made in your life so far?
I know it says single, but I have two. The first was to go back to school in a different city. I needed to get away from my life in Toronto, to get out of a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, and to get out on my own. This is also where I met my husband, making it a very good decision indeed. My second was our decision to adopt our sweet little doggie. I never had pets growing up, but I always wanted a dog - even though I was allergic. When my husband and I got settled back in Toronto, one of our first decisions was to look for a dog. Our pup is 6 years old now and I can't imagine our life without him. He makes me smile when I wake up, when I come home after a long day, and when I go to sleep.

Back in the Stirrups

2010-09-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

Well ICLW is over for September - I was not as "attentive" as I had hoped to be, but I read some interesting blogs, and gained a few followers – thanks ladies! My time off is quickly approaching, which will leave me with lots of time to catch up on all of your blogs and contribute to mine.

I’ve already posted to October ICLW in the spirit of being organized. I had to think about my 3 key words – this month they are “first IVF, 2 week wait, and infertility”. My two week wait will be at the end of October, coinciding with ICLW.

As a short update – today was my Day 0; I got my blood and ultrasounds and met with the IVF nurse. It looks like I have about 15 follicles total – I have no idea if that’s average, or a lot, or a few. Once they confirm everything is OK later today, I will start Menopur tomorrow – yeah! My husband is such a pro now with the needles, I hardly even feel them anymore.

I also paid my fees in full - $7,700 for the IVF, ICSI and assisted hatching, and $1,000 for the meds for the first 5 days. All together this little endeavor will cost about $10,000 from my estimate. I paid for it all on my credit card – air miles here I come – and will pay it off using my savings from the last several months. I have been putting money aside from every paycheque to cover this, so at least I won’t be paying interest on this major purchase.

It is all starting to feel very real now. When I was getting my ultrasound this morning, I started thinking about the diagram of the “wand” with the long needle that retrieves the follicles – and then I started to panic a little. I have been getting needles pretty frequently since I was a kid (weekly allergy shots for years), but I still get pretty nervous and anxious about these things. It’s funny, after all this time talking to people in support groups, online, etc. I never thought to ask about the actual “procedure”.

For those of you that have done IVF, how did you find the retrieval? I’m interested to hear people’s experiences, but no horror stories please!

Boosting my Spirits!

2010-09-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately it has been, and will continue to be, a crazy week for me between work and appointments (acupuncture, chiropractic, naturopath, endo-biopsy, etc.). I was hoping to post a long blog this week, but it just isn't going to happen. So I thought I would at least put up a short note about how much I have been enjoying ICLW so far (I know it's only the 2nd day).

This is my first ICLW, and it's encouraged me to check out many different blogs, but the common thread I have found is just how supportive this little community of ours is.
Reading all the different posts on my site and others has really boosted my mood this week - so thanks to all the ICLW bloggers out there!

On another note - I have started my Lupron injections, and am scheduled to start stims next Friday. So far, I've only had a few headaches from the Lupron, but nothing like the migraines I got from Clomid thankfully. I also wake up feeling nauseous – has anyone else out there experienced that? I see the humour in experiencing something similar to morning sickness - I remember at the beginning of my TTC journey that any little feeling of nausea got me excited about the potential of being pregnant - how naive I was!

Happy ICLW!

Stress (Out)

2010-09-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

I have decided to take some significant time off from work to go through my IVF cycle. I found out a few months ago that I have been accumulating holiday time over the last 5 years – who knew – and now I have 19 days of additional vacation time!!! I started thinking about all the things I could change about this cycle versus my previous IUI cycles – and the reduction of stress from work has always been the thing that kept creeping back into my head when I asked – what did I do wrong? I don’t believe that stress has kept me from getting pregnant all these years, but it sure couldn’t hurt to eliminate some of it.

I have two bosses, one of whom knows what I am going through - she caught me crying at the office and I finally just gave in and told her and hoped she’d be sympathetic. She was very sympathetic, which I am totally grateful for, but I don’t think either of them are too thrilled with me taking a full 4 weeks off. To be honest – I had already decided when I “asked” for the time off that it wasn’t really up for discussion; I was just going to take it.

A friend asked me if my doctor told me to take that time off, and I realized that it might seem like a lot to take that much time off for an IVF, maybe even selfish? I am sure many women just call in sick for a few days. However, I really can’t fathom the idea of coming into work a) when I am (hopefully) so bloated from follicle stimulating drugs, or b) totally crazed during the 2ww. During my past IUI cycles I was practically useless anyway, since all I did was search web for pregnancy symptoms (has anyone ever really had implantation bleeding???) or success stories to keep me going.

I took a few days to figure out how to tell my clients they wouldn’t be able to get a hold of me for a month (I’m going to try to avoid my blackberry too). I didn’t want to say I was taking vacation because I recently took a two week vacation, and I thought that might seem flaky of me to take off again so soon.

I decided I would tell people I was taking a “medical leave”. So far, I have told three clients, all of whom have gone silent and then sounded worried with an “I hope everything is OK”. I think “medical leave” is cryptic enough that people don’t ask anymore questions, and I haven’t volunteered any further information – I like to keep people on their toes! By the sounds of their reactions they may think I am dying or have some sort of terminal illness. I certainly don’t want to compare infertility or going through an IVF with any of these things, but I just didn’t know how else to handle it. Hopefully no one is tact-less enough to ask any prying questions.

As for my time off, I have made myself a few promises. I figure if I am going to make the most of this time, I need to do certain things that will make me feel like I did everything I could to increase my chances of success. This means:
- I will eat only healthy food (I am back on my "clean diet" as of last Friday)
- I will only get together with people that make me happy
- I will meditate and practice deep breathing
- I will practice certain yoga poses everyday
- I will watch only movies/TV that make me feel good (no scary or depressing movies)
- I will read only books that are uplifting or funny
(There are probably others, but I can’t seem to remember them all)

My naturopath said something very poignant to me – she said to make sure that I don’t feel guilty if I don’t do these things because it can become a vicious cycle - feeling stressed – trying to do things that reduce stress – then feeling guilty for feeling stressed in the first place and not doing de-stressing things, thereby increasing the stress. So I also promise not to feel guilt about stress or not keeping all my promises to myself.

I hope that the cycle goes according to plan, and that I don’t have to come back to the office early because of a cancelled cycle, but I will deal with that if the time comes. For now, I just have to assume it will go according to “plan” and count down the days until I have a little break from work.

I have three questions for you ladies out there:
- Has anyone out there made a similar decision to take time off around an IVF (more than a few days)?
- What did you tell people you were going to be doing during your time off?
- What did you do with your time off?

My New Obsession

2010-09-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

I wouldn’t say that I have an addictive personality, I have no real vices to speak of, but when there’s something that I want to do or accomplish, it weighs on my mind constantly and I go for it with all I’ve got.

Now that I have decided to start a blog I can feel that obsession creeping in. I posted my blog on “Stirrup Queens” ICLW and waited for the followers to come! I had no idea that starting a blog would fuel my obsessive nature like this. I checked my stats and comments before I went to bed last night and as soon as I woke up this morning (thanks to the three ladies who posted comments already!). I am trying to understand why I feel so excited to have followers/people reading my posts. I think it just has something to do with the feeling of being part of a community, even if it’s a community most of us wish we weren’t part of.

On the ICLW site, I had to list three main themes for my blog – first IVF and infertility were obvious ones, but I struggled a bit with the third. Finally I decided to write “loneliness”. Its not that I want to dwell on my feelings of loneliness, but that has been one of the most difficult aspects of infertility for me and I hope that writing about it will let others know that many of us feel that way.

In the time that my husband and I have been trying to conceive, all of our friends have gotten pregnant with no difficulty whatsoever. This includes friends from high school, university, work, family members, etc. You might think I am exaggerating when I say “all” of my friends – but I’m really not. Several of them got pregnant within a couple of months of each other (some mere days apart). I remember thinking to myself – I have to be pregnant before so and so, or, I have to be pregnant before so and so gives birth, or, I have to be pregnant before so and so’s baby turns one. But these “dates” have come and gone, and I am still the lone childless one in my social circle.

These feelings come and go, and I don’t want to give the impression that I mope around all the time feeling sorry for myself (just some of the time). One of the best things I did for myself during this last 2.5 years was to participate in a support group that focused on meditation, yoga, diet and other techniques to deal with these feelings and to help reduce the stress of dealing with infertility. My husband definitely noticed the difference in my ability to cope with the tests, drugs, doctor’s visits, etc. and I made some good friends that understand this shared struggle. (If you live in the Toronto area I would be happy to pass along the information for this group – it is a paid course, but well worth it.)

I’m really looking forward to keeping up with this blog, so thanks again for checking it out and for being such a supportive group!

My first post

2010-09-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog.

On a whim (and suffering extreme boredom and indifference at work) I decided to start a blog. I guess it wasn’t really a whim, more like inspiration. I have been inspired by all of the amazing women (and one man) who have started blogs that reveal their feelings and experiences about infertility. Like most of the women out there dealing with infertility, I spend a lot of time on Google looking for diagnoses, ideas, or some shred of hope, that we might one day be one of the lucky people who “beat” infertility. A friend of mine, who I met through a support group for infertility, told me about this page called “999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility”. I am sure any of you who have found my blog must also be familiar with this one. After reading all of the postings on that site (maybe 150 – 200??? I lost count), I followed up on various posters with blogs of their own. These blogs are humorous, filled with information and hope, and most of all have helped me feel a little less alone. It opened up my eyes to this community of women and now that I am about to embark on my first IVF I decided to join the gang!

A brief bit of history about my TTC journey: We have been with two different Res, one terrible and one so-so (but who seems to have loyal patients), I have done two IUIs on Clomid, and two IUIs on Menopur injectables, with good follicle response but no success and no explanations. I had a laparoscopy before the last two IUIs, and one Yale Endometrial Function test (endometrial biopsy) before starting IVF. The laparoscopy showed mild endometriosis, and the Yale test showed an infection and dis-syncrony (???) of my lining. Following that test I was put on Lupron Depot for three months back in May (I will save that story for another posting) and antibiotics for one month. I used that time while on the Lupron Depot (while there was no chance I would get pregnant) to eat all the fat, gluten, sugar, etc., I am not “supposed” to be eating, and to drink all the alcohol and caffeine I am not “supposed” to be drinking. I like to blame my recent weight gain on the hormones, but I suspect it was also partly these indulgences. I also went on roller coasters, and spent time in saunas and hot tubs – just some of things I have been avoiding doing for the last 2.5 years. Now that the Lupron Depot is out of my system, I am one week and two days into the birth control pill part of my IVF cycle.

I decided to call my blog “First and Only?” because to-date I have been very adamant, and my husband has (after lots of discussion) agreed, that we would only do one IVF, and if doesn’t work we would move on to adoption. I am the kind of person that generally sticks to a decision, sometimes bordering on stubborn. I hope in this case this won’t be a decision we have to make.