update

I have been quite terrible about keeping up this blog as of late. But I just realized that my most recent post was a bit of a downer, and I wanted to relay my good news, so here goes... We had our NT scan at the hospital last week (12w 1d), and all was looking good with our little one. I had worked myself up into a ball of stress leading up to the scan for fear that there would not be a heartbeat. My worst fear was for the technician to leave the room without saying anything to us and telling us that the doctor needed to speak to us. For some reason, that's just how I envisioned getting bad news.

Anyhow, the technician was quite stoic for the first few minutes and I held my breath waiting to hear her say something - ANYTHING! I knew my husband could see the ultrasound monitor, but I couldn't see him and I was starting to panic. Finally, I just blurted out "is everything OK?", and her response was "the doctor will talk to you, I can't provide any feedback". Needless to say I started to feel faint, and only afterwards did I realize that she thought I was asking about the NT test itself, not just plain old "is there still a baby in there?". After another few minutes she turned the monitor to us and showed us our sweet little baby. He (I just can't help giving the baby a gender for now) was moving around and kicking every time I laughed. We saw the heartbeat, it was somewhere in the 150 range. I could have sat and watched that screen all day, it was so great. I felt a huge wave of relief. I told my husband afterwards that my feelings of happiness are finally starting to tip the scales more than anxiety.

I had the ultrasound and blood taken that day, but I don't see the doctor until next week. Now, once again I find myself worrying about the heartbeat and the NT test results. I know worrying isn't good for me, I'm just having trouble becoming a care-free happy mother-to-be. Is anyone ever that care-free, even those who haven't struggled with infertility or loss?

Sitting in that wing of the hospital, full of huge pregnant ladies (EVERYWHERE!!!), I still have that twinge of feeling like I don't belong, and worried that I won't get to stay in that happy, blissful land of pregnancy. All in all, I am starting to come to terms with this new life, and telling people our news is helping make it feel real.

Happy new year to all - my thoughts are with those of you still trying and I am wishing that 2011 is the year it happens for you.