Loss

I wish I didn't have to write this post, but I want to put this behind me. We had our second ultrasound today and it showed that the little guy didn't survive. The technician said the sac was quite large which could indicate that it had a genetic abnormality. The good news is that the stronger one is doing great. A heartbeat of 167 which we could see on the screen very clearly, and tiny legs and arms.

I was quite shaken by the bad news but now have to focus on the good news - that we have one healthy little fetus. I had started growing attached to the idea of twins, but at the same time was feeling quite scared about what is technically a high risk pregnancy. The image of my husband holding twins in my mind is what makes me the saddest, but I hope that the little guy inside me right now can thrive and stay in there to term.

All we wanted from the IVF was one healthy little baby, and so far that is the track we are on. I have an NT scan at my new hospital in about 3 weeks, so that seems to be my next big "hurdle".

I left my clinic today for the last time - the nurse today said "congratulations, you've graduated!" - at this stage, there was something comforting about being at the clinic while pregnant and now moving onto an OB is a bit daunting. My doctor gave me a big hug and told us to come back when the baby is 3 months - that seems like a lifetime away right now. I feel like I have been through so much in the last few months, it's hard to imagine my life beyond this stage.

Two is my new lucky number

The ultrasound technician showed us two little sacs! Twins!!! She said one was “normal” and the other smaller (some of those technicians just have the worst bedside manner). I have already forgotten what else she said to us, it was so surreal.

After talking to the doctor, he said that the smaller one has a slower heart beat, but that in 90% of the cases, it will be fine. The other 10% of the time the other may not survive. So he said we can be 90% happy and 10% worried. My husband responded by saying that it has been the opposite for us over the last few years, so that should be easy.

If something does happen to the smaller guy, it won’t harm the other one, which was my biggest concern. Obviously I want them both to stay strong, but there’s nothing I can do but take care of myself at this point. I go back for a follow-up ultrasound in two weeks to check on them again.

I got a few instructions: no exercise, no intercourse, and stay on progesterone and baby aspirin for the first trimester.

I am so relieved, but still cautious because I want that sweet little one to catch up to the “bigger” sibling. I would still describe myself as cautiously optimistic, but with more optimism at the moment.

On another note – you may remember my long, rambling post a few weeks ago about the contract position I was offered. Well, I accepted it and then turned it down a few days later (once I found out I was pregnant). A few days after that, I received another call with a permanent job!!! I couldn’t say no to that, so I start in 2.5 weeks. It is an easier commute and shorter hours – all in all, I am very excited. Human resources and the original manager (from the contract position) know that I am pregnant and they still wanted me for the job. I have no idea if my new manager knows, but HR said it won’t be a problem. Hopefully I get my 6 month probationary period over with before mat leave.

Thanks for all your notes everyone!!!

So nervous

It has been awhile since my last post - it's just that I don't know what to say. I feel slightly nervous all the time, mostly that I will lose this great feeling of happiness and relief only to be back where I was a few months ago. Listen to me complain...

I seem to have all the "normal" (I hate that word) symptoms - sore, huge breasts and bloating. Other than that, nothing is too different, except for my superhuman sense of smell. I can smell a bottle of hot sauce in a different room and a glass of white wine from across the living room (mmm - I would love a sip of white wine).

We have an ultrasound at the clinic tomorrow morning, and maybe after that I will feel better.

See you back here soon - hopefully with good news!

Once IF, Always IF?

Second beta was this past Monday, and even though my numbers were great for my first beta, I was still really nervous. Second beta results - 4103! Great, right? So, why can't I stay happy? Now my next anticipated moment is first ultrasound scheduled for two weeks from now - will I make it until then?

Don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled to be pregnant, it's all I've thought about these past 2.5 years. Now that I am pregnant I feel so nervous - like, why me, how did I get so "lucky", will this bubble burst? I still have trouble saying "I am pregnant", instead I say "I have had a positive pregnancy test". I am doing my best to stay positive, I just find that after so much disappointment it's hard to believe good news. And it is good news of course, its the best news I could have received, I just feel so cautious. Maybe if I hadn't spent so much time reading IF blogs, or in support groups with women who have had IF issues, I wouldn't be as aware or cognisant of all the things that can go wrong during a pregnancy. Ignorance is bliss, as they say - maybe I could use a little ignorance.
I mentioned my feelings of anxiety to a friend, and she pointed out that I really haven't had an easy time compared to many people, so really it's my turn to enjoy an easy pregnancy - see 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility #706 for a good related post: http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/10/705-the-infertility-exemption-pass/#more-1076

My husband is helping me to stay positive, and reading everything he can about early pregnancy symptoms so that he can reassure me that my cramping and acne break-outs are completely normal.

The other day, he said to me "we are no longer a couple struggling with fertility problems". I didn't push the issue because I totally appreciate his ability to be so positive, but I find it hard to agree with that statement. Obviously, IF is often much harder on the women (in my opinion anyways), so it may be easier for him to transition to a place of total comfort with pregnancy. It will hard for me to ever identify with "normal" couples who conceive easily and naturally.

I have been very upfront with people about how we managed to conceive, because there is no reason not to talk about it now and let people know that it has not been an easy road for us. It feels somewhat liberating to share this information, whereas even a few weeks ago I did not want to discuss it at all.

I hope this post doesn't make me seem ungrateful - that is the last thing I want, I just wanted to put this out there to see if other IFs have the same reaction/thoughts/feelings as I do. (I already feel better just having written this post, and shared these thoughts - blogging is great for that).