Once IF, Always IF?

Second beta was this past Monday, and even though my numbers were great for my first beta, I was still really nervous. Second beta results - 4103! Great, right? So, why can't I stay happy? Now my next anticipated moment is first ultrasound scheduled for two weeks from now - will I make it until then?

Don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled to be pregnant, it's all I've thought about these past 2.5 years. Now that I am pregnant I feel so nervous - like, why me, how did I get so "lucky", will this bubble burst? I still have trouble saying "I am pregnant", instead I say "I have had a positive pregnancy test". I am doing my best to stay positive, I just find that after so much disappointment it's hard to believe good news. And it is good news of course, its the best news I could have received, I just feel so cautious. Maybe if I hadn't spent so much time reading IF blogs, or in support groups with women who have had IF issues, I wouldn't be as aware or cognisant of all the things that can go wrong during a pregnancy. Ignorance is bliss, as they say - maybe I could use a little ignorance.
I mentioned my feelings of anxiety to a friend, and she pointed out that I really haven't had an easy time compared to many people, so really it's my turn to enjoy an easy pregnancy - see 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility #706 for a good related post: http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/10/705-the-infertility-exemption-pass/#more-1076

My husband is helping me to stay positive, and reading everything he can about early pregnancy symptoms so that he can reassure me that my cramping and acne break-outs are completely normal.

The other day, he said to me "we are no longer a couple struggling with fertility problems". I didn't push the issue because I totally appreciate his ability to be so positive, but I find it hard to agree with that statement. Obviously, IF is often much harder on the women (in my opinion anyways), so it may be easier for him to transition to a place of total comfort with pregnancy. It will hard for me to ever identify with "normal" couples who conceive easily and naturally.

I have been very upfront with people about how we managed to conceive, because there is no reason not to talk about it now and let people know that it has not been an easy road for us. It feels somewhat liberating to share this information, whereas even a few weeks ago I did not want to discuss it at all.

I hope this post doesn't make me seem ungrateful - that is the last thing I want, I just wanted to put this out there to see if other IFs have the same reaction/thoughts/feelings as I do. (I already feel better just having written this post, and shared these thoughts - blogging is great for that).