OMG

933!!! That's my beta number! I still can't believe it.
I did a home pregnancy test on Wednesday, two actually, both which were positive, but I was not ready to believe it until I did my blood test today.

I am ecstatic, as is my husband, but I would still describe myself as being cautiously optimistic. I want to enjoy this time, but not get ahead of myself. I did already go out and buy "What to Expect When You're Expecting" - funny, when I went off the BCP 2.5 years ago, I bought a similar book because I thought I should educate myself because of course I would be preggo right away. It is now packed away in a box somewhere having only been read up to the 2nd chapter.

I have told more people than I would like about this news - but all of them knew about the IVF, and all are close family and friends and understand that I don't want to broadcast this yet - except here on my blog where I am anonymous.

I am so thrilled to know that I am able to get pregnant - I have never seen that second line before and it really shook me. Thanks for all your kind words and posts, it has made this time very special. I also want to congratulate my "cycle buddies" - Mummy in Waiting and Gurlee as both of them have been fortunate with their IVFs as well.

My husband said something really sweet today - he said that he saw a bunch of little kids in Halloween costumes and thought about how cute they were, and for the first time in a while, he didn't feel jealous or sad. I've had the same reactions to pregnant women and women with strollers over the last couple of days - instead of glaring at them or feeling sad/jealous/angry/depressed, I felt fine.

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As an update to my last post - I did accept the job and was really excited, but then started to worry that I was setting myself up for a stressful situation where my job wasn't secure. Now that I have the results of my beta, I have decided to tell them I will not be taking the job after all - the situation would just be too uncertain and it would likely mean being out of a job as I go into maternity leave.

Just to clarify about mat leave here in Canada, it is 12 months, and the government will pay you for 12 months as long as you have worked a certain number of days within the 6 or 12 months leading up to your time off - the amount is based on your salary and tops out at about $1600/month).

Distractions

So it has been one week since my transfer. I am feeling fine – no symptoms to speak of, except for giant sore breasts but that is probably just the progesterone. I have had a few “down” days – days where I feel hopeless about this cycle working – and other days when I feel like “why not me this time – if it can works for others, why not me?”, thinking this way leads to better days for sure.

I have managed to stay relatively sane this week by keeping busy. I had spent a lot of time talking and thinking about our embryos leading up to the transfer and I think I just feel worn out. I guess the other issue is that I have no control right now – not that I did before either. My sweet husband rubs my stomach and gives it a kiss every night.

Another thing that has been keeping my mind occupied is a job offer! I applied for this job many months ago, took a written test and then an interview, hadn’t heard anything and figured it was a bust. There were several positions open – some contract and some permanent. At my interview, I told them I was only interested in a permanent position (I am currently employed in a permanent job). Yesterday I got a call asking if there was any possibility I would be interested in a 12-month contract – I was the first person they called with the offer (permanent positions went to internal candidates). Now, a lot of people start on contracts in this field, and are then extended or are eligible for internal permanent postings. I asked if I could have some time to consider it – I am totally riding the fence on this one. I have to decide by Monday, so here are my pros and cons:
Pros – better money, benefits, more opportunity to move up, not enjoying my current job
Cons – less stability with a contract, longer commute, having to prove myself at a new job, less responsibility (can be a pro or con I guess)

Here’s the other thing – what if I get a BFP next week? I’d like to think if I do get a BFP, I won’t have another care in the world – but that’s not realistic. It would be hard being pregnant at a new job, and then I’d have to leave part way through my contract and with possibly no job to return to after mat leave. Mat leave is 12 months here – sorry my American friends – so truthfully, all that is a long ways away.
On the other hand – what if I get a BFN? If I don’t take the job, then I will be mad at myself for making the decision based on hopefully getting a BFP.

So now you can see why I have been so distracted – I have a lot to think about this weekend. Even though a BFP is the most important thing to me right now, it is nice to have other things going on in my life. It’s easy to get so bogged down in IF that everything else becomes secondary – I know that is how I have felt for the last year.

Have a great weekend everyone!

The Waiting Game

Transfer was this morning, all went well in spite of my teeny tiny bladder, and my need to pee every 20 minutes.

They transferred 2 good embryos, but the other 2 had "fizzled" out as our doctor put it. That's fine, and I was pretty proud of myself for focusing on the positive in this situation, which was the fact that we have 2 good embryos! It would have been great to freeze some, but c'est la vie.

It was pretty amazing to watch the ultrasound screen while the doctor put them in place, and then to see them in there after they removed the catheter.

I went to acupuncture before and after, so I feel pretty relaxed - hopefully I can maintain that feeling for a while longer.

So tomorrow is transfer day. Following the retrieval we were told that 5 of the 6 eggs were mature, and 4 of those fertilized. As of yesterday, 3 were doing great (according to the nurse) and 1 was lagging a bit, but potentially catching up (today is Day 4 and they don’t update us today). I feel so relieved and grateful that we have come this far, but it still all feels so surreal.

Our doctor has told me to be off my feet for the three days following transfer – and I am happy to oblige. Lots of movies, tea, and snuggling with my pup.

A lot of people know what we are going through and some close friends know all the details. I got lots of supportive phone calls today, and it feels nice. Originally, I didn’t want to share too much for fear of having to share disappointing news if this IVF isn’t successful. I am trying to stay positive, so I have tired not to think about that too much.

Wish us luck!

Decisions, decisions

The last several days have been extremely excruciating. We were told by the clinic that we might want to consider switching to an IUI given that we only had 3 follicles. After a lot of agonizing, we decided to go ahead with the IVF anyways. The feeling being that at least we would have some more additional information about my eggs, and that it really might only take 1 to be successful. Also, my husband being the rational person he is finally said – “its just money”, and he’s right. We have coverage for 80% of the drugs, and the rest is out of pocket. We have a little bit of money set aside for this, and it just didn’t feel right to stop the whole process.

Retrieval was today – it came a bit earlier than planned because they didn’t want my big follicles to get too mature. As of Saturday I had 3 mature follicles, with 3 more lagging, but getting close to a minimum size.

I am happy to report they got 6 eggs – and every follicle had an egg, woohoo! Originally, 6 might have sounded low to me, but faced with going through with only 3, 6 is a blessing.

The retrieval was actually not too bad. I was completely anxious about it, and it turned out to not be as bad as expected, or as bad as I had read about on some other blogs. However, I did let the f-bomb drop when he froze the first side of my cervix. It was also very, very fast, maybe 10 minutes altogether. I suppose all the drugs helped.

Not to say I had an easy time of the whole thing. When the nurse gave me my IV in the prep room, I started to feel really queasy and light headed – my vision was blurring, and I was pretty sure I was going to faint. It started getting worse, so finally I whispered to the nurse that I was feeling faint. She gave me a cold cloth for my head, and then another nurse came in with something to “calm me down”. Turns out it was an Ativan, I wonder if I can get some more of those for this week.

All in all, I am really happy that my husband and I made the decision to go forward with the IVF.

Bloated

A quick update and question for the community out there. I went in for my day 6 blood and ultrasound today. I was feeling hopeful because I am so bloated – which I took to mean I have lots of good sized follicles.

I just picked up my message with my results and I have 3 follicles total that are more than 1 cm – 1.4, 1.6, and 1.6, and the rest are smaller than 1 cm. They never tell me the size of follicles less than 1 cm, but I know that my Day 0 ultrasound showed 15 total small follicles. They didn’t ask me to change my protocol at all, so I have to assume all is on track. Also, my estrogen is at 1772.

My retrieval is tentatively next Wednesday, and now my mind is racing with thoughts of the cycle being cancelled or only having 3 follicles to retrieve. Does anyone have a sense of what size follicles “should” be by Day 6, I’d be interested to hear others experiences?

Thanks!